Rumour Has It You’re Ruminating.

“Why did this happen?”

“What could I have done differently?”

“What if…”

“If only…”

These are just a few of the questions that plague your mind as you enter the dark abyss of replaying thoughts about the loss you’ve experienced.  You are beginning the spiral - in my opinion, one of the messiest parts of Grief.  The spiral phase for me came after the shock began to wear off. The official term for it is Grief Rumination. Grief Rumination is a repetitive and intrusive thought pattern that focuses on the consequences and injustices of a loss.  It involves excessive worry where you might find yourself focusing primarily, if not solely, on distressing thoughts (Lotus Consulting, 2024). This is often characterized by “what if” scenarios and a lot of self-blame. You can also experience intense circular questioning where the looping or never-ending thoughts come in.  And although this period of spiraling is normal, it can be dangerous for you if the particularly distressing thoughts becomes too overwhelming to bear. Here is usually where the intervention of close friends and family members come in useful. 

For me, spiraling looked like a lot of sleepless nights. I would stay up at nights and replay every scenario in my mind; from the moment I found out my sister was sick until the day she took her final breath. I asked myself, what if I had checked up on her more? Why didn’t I recognize that something was wrong the last time I saw her? What if we hadn’t allowed the doctors to do this, and to do that? What if we had kept her home and tried more holistic treatment? The questions were endless and boy were they brutal.  I wore myself out going over each injection, every blood sample, every sitting around waiting.  Even now as I am writing this, my heart feels as though someone is holding it and squeezing it mercilessly in the palm of their hands. There aren’t enough words in the English language to appropriately describe how gut-wrenching and awful the spiraling phase can be. One simply has to live it to know it.  You see, grief doesn’t just mourn what happened – it mourns what didn’t happen. What could’ve and should’ve happened. This is one of the most painful parts of losing someone because it involves a lot of counterfactual thinking. This causes you to imagine alternate realities, and you might find that you are rewriting the past in your mind a lot.  A lot of people, myself included, ruminate about how the loss could have been prevented and the unfairness or injustice of it all.  And sometimes spiraling gives you the illusion of control. The more you think about it, the more it feels as though you are “working through it”. As though you are getting closer to a solution or closer to a sense of peace.  However, I want to caution you because rumination often imitates problem-solving but without the resolution.  The spiral tricks you into thinking that you are moving forward when in reality, you are only circling.

Grief rumination mostly occurs when the loss was sudden or unexpected such as accidents or a short period of sickness. It is also most popular in the loss of a child or parent and often results in the development of what is known as prolonged grief. When ruminating begins to result in prolonged lack of sleep, loss of weight or appetite or binging and over-indulgence in food and other comforts, at this point you ought to be honest with yourself. Tell someone you can trust what you are experiencing and seek professional help if you or they believe that might be necessary.  If you find that you are experiencing grief rumination, the first step to getting through it is for you to understand that this is happening because the intense loss you faced creates a gap between your reality and what should have been. You cannot understand why this has happened or accept the permanence of it. And because our brains are wired to fix things that are not right, the mind is trying to ‘solve’ something that simply has no solution. How can you know if you are currently spiraling or stuck ruminating? Some of the common symptoms are:

Intense and persistent longing for your person.

Excessive focus on how they died, even after a significant amount of time has passed.

Difficulty accepting that your loved one is gone.

Trouble finding meaning in life or future events.

Feeling like you have lost part of yourself

Anger and bitterness.

Social withdrawal from relationships

Difficulty sleeping or eating.

These are just a few of the symptoms and you might be experiencing some symptoms that are not listed here.  Admittedly, I experienced all of these symptoms right after the death of my sister and truthfully I am still experiencing some of them today – two years later.  The spiral is not only mental, it’s emotional and this is why it can be hard to stop.  Your thoughts are tied to feelings of love, responsibility or even guilt. All in all, I want to assure you, the spiral is a phase. It comes to pass.  Whether you choose to seek the professional help of a Therapist, the comforting words of a close friend or you choose to walk through this alone, the goal is not to stop thinking about it.  The goal is to be aware that it is happening. Recognize that you may be spiraling. Acknowledge it and its impact on you. Then, begin to step outside of it little by little and overtime you can gently pull yourself back together.  Here is a cold, hard truth that might be hard for you to digest but is important for you to hear: you can’t spiral yourself back to a time when your person was still here with you. And you can’t brainstorm your way out of your grief. But here is the kicker, you can learn when your mind is keeping you stuck, and your brain is powerful enough to pull you out of the looping pain of your loss. This is not to dismiss your pain. No. The pain you are feeling is very valid. You love your person very much and the light of that love will never dim or grow dark. The pain you feel each and everyday is the evidence of that love. This is to say that there is a point in grief when ruminating for a significant period of time can become unhealthy for you. At that time you should know that there are tools that are available to you to help see you through. Do you believe you are currently experiencing grief rumination? What are some of the symptoms that you have noticed?

Be encouraged. Philippians 4:6–7

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”