WHO ARE YOU WITHOUT YOUR PAIN?
They say, “the cure for pain is in the pain”. I take that to mean that whatever breaks you is often what you must go back to to find healing. These days it seems that everyone is hurting in some way, some form. Even children who are born happy and have the amazing ability to find joy in just about anything seem to no longer be immune to the painfulness of this world. I have met several people in my life who are defined by their pain. Especially creative ones. Their pain is what drives them. It gives them purpose, something to do. Their pain is their muse. Now, they haven’t asked for this. The things that cause us pain are not pleasant – no, not in the very least. So, it is not something that we welcome. However, when it inevitably happens to us, it is not something we can turn away. We have no control over who or what hurts us. But when it does happen, we crave that sense of control. We tell ourselves that we will never allow this to happen again, or ‘I will harden myself so much that if it does happen again, it will never have the same effect on me.’ But who are you without your pain?
Pain wears many suits
For some of you your pain might look like losing a parent – whether through death or neglect. The effects of a son who was abandoned by his father throughout his childhood travels with him for a lifetime. A daughter who was constantly criticized by her mother or told that she will never amount to anything takes that pain and uses it. Whether she knows it or not, that pain is what will either make or break her. Whether it be abandonment, abuse, loss or betrayal, there are a million different suits that pain wears when he enters our lives. And although we may think that we are doing well, if that pain is left unaddressed it will take up residence in our new home, new family, our jobs…you name it.
On the flip side, pain is not all bad. Understandably, one of the ugly truths that we don’t like to admit is that our pain gives us purpose. It often is the vehicle through which our inspirations come and our ambitions are born. Take J.K. Rowling for example, who wrote the magnificent Harry Potter book series – selling over 500 million copies to date. It was later turned into a multi-billion-dollar movie empire grossing over $7.7 billion worldwide. Rowling was a single mother who lived on welfare. She had just gone through a painful divorce and was diagnosed with severe clinical depression. If that is not what you call ‘rock bottom’, then I don’t know what is. This was her state at that time, and she describes this ghastly state as the foundation upon which she rebuilt her life. She got up and decided to do something about her life and used these painful experiences to fuel her story-telling, leading her to write the uber-successful books. So, we may not be able to prevent pain from entering our lives. We have no control over the things and the people who cause it. But what we do have control over is whether we allow that pain to break us or to make us. Is your pain the reason you sit on the couch all day rather than go back to school to get a better education which will ultimately lead to a better paying job? Is your pain the reason why your family is breaking down because you keep hurting them with your words or actions? Is your pain the reason why you keep pushing everyone away and are lonely but won’t admit it?
To Duel or to Fuel?
Or is your pain the reason why you hustle and study hard so that you can provide a meaningful life for your family? Is never feeling valued or heard growing up the reason why you love on your friends and family so hard and always ensure that they feel valued? Is your pain the reason why you surround yourself with people and love to help, because you know what it feels like to be neglected? Same pain, different outcome.
Yes, the pain you feel is very valid. What you went through was indeed catastrophic. But it is pertinent that you know that unless acknowledged and dealt with, that pain does not go away. Whether it first visited you when you were 6 or 16 years old, pain is like an unwanted guest who comes to your house without an invitation, eats up all your food, messes up your space, takes over completely and hopes that you forget he is there. You cannot afford to forget that he is there. You will either need to use him or lose him. Without the unimaginable pain of everything that J.K. Rowling was going through, we would never have known her name. Harry Potter would be non-existent today and the many lives and communities that she was able to improve through her new-found wealth would never have been touched. What are some of the multi-billion-dollar ideas that you hold inside of you that are stuck and screaming to come out? Can you find the courage to face pain head on and use it to rebuild? Or is it more comfortable to allow it to take the blame for why you can’t do this or why you can’t do that? If you haven’t done so yet, today you get to make a decision. Will you use your pain to duel or to fuel? It’s a question we all must answer. If we don’t decide, it decides for us.
