“Have you started the report for ‘such and such’ yet?” I stopped the conversation that I was having with a colleague of mine to turn to the voice asking me this question.  It was the work supervisor. It was approximately 1:30pm in the afternoon and it was the first time that she had spoken to me that day. I was a little startled by her hasty interruption of my conversation, but I quickly said the first thing that came to mind. “Um...report? Yes, I have started that report”. Knowing that the report she was enquiring about was not yet due for submission, I awaited her next words…”

They say, “the cure for pain is in the pain”. I take that to mean that whatever breaks you is often what you must go back to to find healing.  These days it seems that everyone is hurting in some way, some form.  Even children who are born happy and have the amazing ability to find joy in just about anything seem to no longer be immune to the painfulness of this world.  I have met several people in my life who are defined by their pain. Especially creative ones. Their pain is what drives them. It gives them purpose, something to do. Their pain is their muse. Now, they haven’t asked for this. The things that cause us pain are not pleasant – no, not in the very least. So, it is not something that we welcome. However, when it inevitably happens to us, it is not something we can turn away. We have no control over who or what hurts us. But when it does happen, we crave that sense of control. We tell ourselves that we will never allow this to happen again, or ‘I will harden myself so much that if it does happen again, it will never have the same effect on me.’ But who are you without your pain?

Pain wears many suits

For some of you your pain might look like losing a parent – whether through death or neglect.  The effects of a son who was abandoned by his father throughout his childhood travels with him for a l

“Why did this happen?”

“What could I have done differently?”

“What if…”

“If only…”

These are just a few of the questions that plague your mind as you enter the dark abyss of replaying thoughts about the loss you’ve experienced.  You are beginning the spiral - in my opinion, one of the messiest parts of Grief.  The spiral phase for me came after the shock began to wear off. The official term for it is Grief Rumination. Grief Rumination is a repetitive and intrusive thought pattern that focuses on the consequences and injustices of a loss.  It involves excessive worry where you might find yourself focusing primarily, if not solely, on distressing thoughts (Lotus Consulting, 2024). This is often characterized by “what if” scenarios and a lot of self-blame. You can also experience intense circular questioning where the looping or never-ending thoughts come in.  And although this period of spiraling is normal, it can be dangerous for you if…

Grief taught me how to “perform wellness.” What did that look like? I grew conscious about the expressions my face wore while at the office. I wanted to ‘look’ okay - although I knew I was not. I could not afford for anyone to see how badly my heart was breaking each day. Losing my sister to Cancer in April and then my father to a Stroke only six weeks after that, left me feeling like my head was on a swivel. It was as though…

 “’Tis better to have loved and lost than to have ne’er loved at all”.  I oft question the man who first murmured the old aphorism. ‘Tis a noble thought, don’t get me wrong. But it is my own opinion that those who choose the former must have, in fact, ne’er loved at all. For whether it be through unattainable romance or death, those of us who have endured loss know – for a fact – that the latter hurts less.

For years after my sister died, I didn’t give myself permission to grieve…